


The Spatula is My Weapon of Choice

by extremelyperturbed



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Cooking, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Weirdness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-18
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-07-15 19:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7235119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/extremelyperturbed/pseuds/extremelyperturbed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was my prompt at the avenger kinkmeme but nobody filled it so I did the last part:</p><p>"He dresses in a white shirt, brown apron and slacks. He has a human assistant who makes sure things are tasting good as he goes along.</p><p>Either that or maybe an alien species challenges Vision as the representative of Earth to a cook-off instead of a planet ruining invasion.</p><p>If nobody does this, I might do the last idea."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Spatula is My Weapon of Choice

"It's not really an invitation to a cook-off if they tell you that refusing means they set the world on fire," said Vision of the alien invasion force's message to the world. Their spaceships were hovering over the various capitals of the world. Most of the members had arrived at the conference room with a few stragglers coming momentarily. 

"And of course, they choose the one person on this world that has no sense of taste," snapped Tony. 

"I asked if they could choose one of the other Avengers. They replied that their second choice to represent Earth was Hannibal Lecter." The man was currently in an asylum, waiting for Will Graham.

A groan came from the other Avengers. 

"I'll insist on a human assistant," said Vision. 

"I'll be glad to help," said Tony. "I have eaten all over the world and tasted all the . . ."

"I was thinking of Wanda."

"Wanda? What?" 

"I enjoy cooking with her and she's very encouraging. I also can trust her to give honest and consistent criticism."

"But what do you plan to cook?" said Natasha.

"I am looking through all the recipes for something appropriate. They said they have no allergies and insist on an appetizer, main course and dessert."

"For the dessert, you must insist on the Elvis pound cake," said Clint.

"What is in the Elvis pound cake?' said Natasha.

Clint began reciting the ingredients. "Two sticks of butter, 3 cups flour, 3 cups sugar, 7 eggs, one cup heavy cream . . ."

"Are we trying to poison them or make their equivalent of a heart explode?" said Tony, "Because the only thing that recipe is missing is lard and arsenic."

Clint scowled. "It's a very dense and tasty cake."

"Dense is right," said Tony. 

"If Vision was trained, I'd go with sushi," said Natasha. 

"It's not really cooking, is it?" said Steve.

"The rice is cooked," said Natasha. "But it takes a lot of skill to select the highest grade of fish, check for anything iffy and cut it the right way. I think we need dishes that can be boiled down to a set of well-written instructions."

"If they're going to try to kill us anyway, how about we give them dishes that'll freak them out. How about surstromming?" said Clint.

"Oh, God no!" said Tony. "No amount of booze will clear the taste!"

"What is that?" said Steve.

"It's herring, fermented for six months with just enough salt to keep it from rotting," said Tony. "I ate a spoonful on a dare. God, what a mistake!"

"I really am enjoying all of your apparent and heartwarming belief in me," said Vision, breaking out the sarcasm. 

"I believe in you," said Wanda as she walked into the meeting room.

"Perhaps you can magic a dish or something," said Tony.

"No, I can't!"

Thor walked in. "I came as soon as I heard! You must include Asgardian brandy."

Vision sighed and shook his head. "No, they only want Terran materials and techniques. However, your offer is much appreciated."

"They are fools to pass on our liquor!" said Thor, much affronted.

Sam said, "Brunch. You can't go wrong with brunch food. Get a glass of mimosa, avocado toast, two or three slices of bacon, a nice omelette with a side of hash browns and end with a slice of sour cream coffee cake with crumb topping."

"I'd like that right now," said Rhodey. "Though I prefer waffles and sausages with my brunch."

Bruce said, "How good are you with dim sum? There's a wide variety and they could just pick and choose what they want."

Vision sighed. "This would be the first time I have ever made dim sum. And I can't see that it fits into their request."

"There are sweet dim sum and you can always open with a small cup of soup," said Bruce. 

"This is so hard," said Vision. He was currently watching all the cooking shows he could find and watching them all at the same time as he was listening to the rest of the team. He wanted to inflict Anthony Bourdain and Gordon Ramsay on the alien invaders. 

"Vision," said Wanda. "What is it that you want to cook? Just imagine that you're were trying to impress us and not them."

He looked at all the members and thought about what he could cook that would please all of them. "I'm going to make pizza."

"What?" said Tony.

"Every week, we have movie night and every movie night you all order in pizza. I can make a gourmet pizza with each quarter having a different topping."

"What about the appetizer and dessert?"

"The appetizer will be a slices of fromage and charcuterie. The dessert will be a panna cotta with seasonal fruit and a lemon sauce. If I make something too rarefied, I may well alienate one or more of the judges. Also, I firmly believe in the principle that the best technique is to let the ingredients speak for themselves."

"Do we get to taste test this?"

"Absolutely."

***

"Are you sure about this, Vision?" said Wanda as she helped him prep the yeast for the dough. 

"It was either this or some kind of comforting noodle soup dish," sighed Vision. "I can't say whether this will win or not. I'd be much happier if their parameters were actually tighter like if they told me I had to showcase a certain ingredient. If the ingredient was egg, then I could make an egg drop soup with chicken broth, a frittata or a quiche or an omelette, then end up with a custard served in a meringue."

"That sounds delicious. I would eat that."

"You would?"

"Of course, I would. You are an excellent cook." She didn't happen to mention that it had taken him a long time become one and that she often tasted things along the way.

"Thank you, Wanda. Now, try this sauce," said Vision, taking a spoon and scooping out a small amount of the sauce.

"Yummy," she said after tasting the spoon Vision was holding.

"I confess that I wish more fights could be settled like this," said Vision. "Less destruction this way."

"They might just say that they win no matter how the dishes taste."

"Then why have the contest instead of simply conquering us?" said Vision. "I always found the conquest aspect of interstellar invasion to be incredibly misguided. Almost any and all resources would be more easily found and taken from uninhabited planets. Slave labor is terribly unreliable compared to automation. Trade and cooperation is more worthwhile. There must be a way that we can have a win-win situation."

***

Tony ate his individual serving of pizza. "You have really outdone yourself," he said after he had finished. "The crust is a mixture of crisp but not brittle and chewy but not heavy. And the amount of toppings is just right. The smoked buffalo mozzarella and the tomato sauce is amazing."

"I'm so glad you approve," said Vision.

"I'm really digging the one with the wild boar sausage and the arugula," said Sam.

"If you lose, they wanted you to lose," said Clint. 

Rhodey said, "I was thinking you should've gone deep dish but I was wrong."

"I can't get enough of this," said Steve.

The others made similar comments. 

"Hopefully, this will not be our last supper," said Vision. "If it is, I want to say that I'm glad I'm sharing it with all of you."

Tony scowled. "Now who's not having faith in who?" He had no plans to let an invasion of the planet go unchallenged, no matter the outcome of the contest.

"You are right," said Vision. "This will not be my last pizza."

***

"Wanda?" he said as he put on his pajamas, the one with the red stripes on a white background then sat on the edge of the bed. He and Wanda had been sharing a floor and a bedroom for the past few weeks. 

"Yes, Vision."

"You seem to be having problems falling asleep. Should I make you something soothing? Perhaps some warm milk and honey or an herbal, non-caffeinated tea. Turn on the stereo and play some soothing music. Tomorrow is going to be a busy day."

"I'll be fine," Wanda said. "If I don't sleep much tonight, I'll be sure to catch up the next night."

"All right."

"Just come to bed. You don't need to say anything, just . . ."

"Yes, dear."

***

Vision dressed in a white shirt, black pants and a brown apron. He even wore a chef's toque that Wanda had gotten him. Wanda was dressed in red and had her hair up and under a similar toque. They had a cart where most of the ingredients had already been prepared and only needed to be assembled and put into an oven hot enough to cook the pizza in a matter of a few minutes. Wanda had already handed each judge an appetizer plate.

The alien judges, who looked like large humanoid rats, said, "Proceed."

Vision twirled and stretched the dough into a circle, put it on the baking peel (a wooden shovel-like tool), put a very thin layer of toppings on the pizza and transferred the pizza from the peel to the pre-heated baking stone. "Mark the time, Wanda," he said. 

When it was done, they used the peel to take it out. Wanda then cut the hot pizza into six pieces then quickly plated them and delivered to the judges.

***

As it turned out, this particular species of aliens really liked pizza. However, they were a very proud race so they called it a draw and demanded only that they be given the recipe and a trade agreement so they could get their hands on all the ingredients necessary. 

"So, we're saved by pizza," said Tony as he got off the phone after talking to the President.

"You could give Vision some credit," chided Wanda.

"Ok, we're saved by his pizza."

Vision took Wanda aside before she blew her top and maybe blow Tony out of the building. "I'm sorry but one can not choose one's in-laws . . ."

"In-laws?" said Wanda. "Vision?"

The End.

**Author's Note:**

> The Elvis pound cake exists. http://www.epicurious.com/recipes/food/views/elvis-presleys-favorite-pound-cake-232642 I made it once but I think I took out a cup of sugar and probably a stick of butter because it sounded too sweet and buttery and it turned out OK. I don't usually recommend messing with a recipe that much though. 
> 
> Hannibal Lecter is a great cook but way too prone to wanting to serve "long pig."
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-aGPniFvS0 Jiro dreams of sushi. 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_haw_YDC_zo Buzzfeed staffers react to Surstromming
> 
> Fromage: cheese Charcuterie: sliced prepared meat panna cotta: sweetened cream mixed with gelatin
> 
> Vision's arguments against interstellar conquest are actually quite sound. 
> 
> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peel_(tool) 
> 
> https://youtu.be/UPXUG8q4jKU is why Vision won.


End file.
